1. Medieval-style Trash Grabber With Attached Drink Holder
This Renaissance-inspired trash grabber will make every dad’s day. It features medieval designs made from iron and copper and has a durable, bronze-coated pincher and twenty-pound anodized steel shaft that makes grabbing the remote, or picking the lint from between his toes, both easily accessible and a strenuous workout. But what this grabber will cost him in pulled muscles and achy joints, it will make up for in convenience. The best part is it holds his beer steady while he grabs at those hard to reach places.
2. Kevlar-enforced Boxer Briefs
These briefs are so protective he won’t need to wear a cup to his softball games anymore. They are made with the highest quality Kevlar* and a durable neoprene lining. Each handcrafted stitch was done with the toughest vinyl to ensure these briefs stand up to any challenge. They’re stiff and heavy, sure, but what real man needs comfort when he can have durability? Besides, let’s be honest, he could use the added weight as exercise to lose that gut of his.
*Although this product has not been tested to be bulletproof and fireproof, in all likelihood it will deflect bullets while exposed to fire.
3. Swiss Army Knife With Maple Wood Mustache Comb, Nose Hair Scissors, and Boar Hair Toothpick
Bring your father back to childhood by getting him this Swiss Army knife with a modern twist. Every dad needs his mustache manicured and now he can do it with style and convenience using his dark maple mustache comb. How does a wooden comb fit in a folding knife, you ask? Well, it just does, along with the nose hair scissors made from the steel of an old aircraft carrier and a reusable toothpick from wild boar hair.
4. Pops Pamper Pack: Gorilla Snot Hair Gel and Horse Sweat Beard Oil
He might not admit it, but your pops loves to be pampered and this pack featuring one-of-a-kind hair gel will treat him right. It is made from an all-natural concotion of gorilla snot, bat guano, and a pinch of railroad tar. Also included in the Pops Pamper Pack is beard oil made from the sweat of thoroughbred horses. Both come in our patented Oily Old Man, Musky Millennial, and Hairy Hipster fragrances.
5. KillerGriller PuttingVision 3000
There’s only one item this Father’s Day that combines your dad’s love of meat, golf, and TV. It’s the KillerGriller PuttingVision 3000. Fitted with the biggest TV you have ever seen attached to a barbecue, this grill also features a roll-out putting green. No more putting into drinking glasses; now your dad can simply unroll the artificial lawn and putt into a hole hanging off his deck while watching the pros on the Golf Channel and grilling a juicy steak.
Thanks for reading this humor piece. Obviously none of these are real gifts, but a guy can dream, right? Happy Father’s Day!