Welcome to Facebook! Please Accept Our 137,000 Page Terms of Use Policy

This is a piece of satire I wrote and submitted to McSweeney’s. The editor rejected it. It didn’t seem like he even read it, but his loss is your gain, or maybe the piece really sucks and isn’t funny at all, in such case I’ll gladly give you a refund. Either way, thanks for reading!

Welcome to Facebook!

Our Terms of Use are for your online safety and protection only. They are definitely not intended to trick you into unknowingly giving us your personal data so we can sell it to a third party who may or may not then sell it to a menacing foreign government currently attempting to destroy our democracy.

Nope, The Terms aim to do none of that. But we do want you to stay connected to everyone. ALL. THE. TIME. Sorry, we didn’t mean to shout, but we can’t emphasize enough how important it is for all of us to Share and Like with each other. It’s how we keep the dopamine hits coming, if you know what we mean. And, if we’re being honest, it’s how we keep the lights on here at our humble 430,000 square-foot headquarters, which just so happens to feature the world’s largest open floor plan — you’re not the only one whose privacy we like to infringe upon. Besides we employees hate privacy, or at least that’s what we’re told to say in the employee handbook.

Lord Zuckerberg has given Facebook as a gift (not GIF, though maybe that too) to the world. Sure, he stole the idea from two ridiculously rich and even more ridiculously good looking twins when he was at Harvard, but The Zuck merely took the idea and made it his own. So what if he is now using Facebook to get all of you more addicted than a chain-smoker in the 60s?This is capitalism, baby!

Now, the point of you agreeing to our Terms of Use is not to trick you, by any means. The 137,000 pages of legalese below is not meant to be convoluted. You could read all 68 million words of The Terms, or have your attorney do it, but don’t waste your time. It’s just a formality, and besides, we update The Terms every three weeks, which coincidentally, happens to be exactly how long it would take you to read them. That means you would have to start over every three weeks, unless you are capable of staring at a screen nonstop for days on end like Lord Zuckerberg. Gosh, he sure is amazing. Such a great guy, isn’t he? He doesn’t tell us to say that. He definitely hasn’t been using his mind control to make us tell EVERYONE how awesome he is since he made himself look so evil in front of Congress. Oops. I meant he looked very genuine and compassionate in front of Congress. He didn’t look evil at all. Not one bit. And those pictures of him sitting on a booster seat? Those were photoshopped.

Ahem! Anyway. Just agree to The Terms, okay? For our sake? Please? We’re not exactly Zuckerberg’s slaves, but our lives are pretty miserable when he is unhappy. If enough users agree to The Terms, maybe Lord Zuckerberg will finally put the doors back on the bathroom stalls and stop broadcasting our personal phone calls over the company PA system. Oh, right, and if you agree to The Terms you can get back to connecting with EVERYONE. You can go back to sliding into the DMs of your crush from work and finally accept the Friend Request from your great-aunt Sally, whom you haven’t talked to in a decade, and honestly don’t want to, except, well, your mom won’t leave you alone about it. So just accept The Terms already. ACCEPT. ACCEPT. ACCEPT!

A few things before you go:

1. Thank you for reading this piece of satire.

2. I am fundraising to pay my medical bills so if you’d like to help out by buying a shirt or hoodie I would be very grateful!

3. If you would like to donate to support this blog I would be equally grateful!

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