The National Academy of Fictitious Accomplishments

I’ve had some exciting things come my way recently. Men’s Journal published my essay, “Life Without Sex,” yesterday The Oregonian featured an Op Ed I wrote, and now I’m so incredibly proud to announce that the National Academy of Fictitious Accomplishments (NAFA) has named me The Healthiest Sick Person in America. I must say, after a rough year, receiving this honor was a wonderful way to cap off 2016.

Ah, okay, all joking aside, sometimes it really does feel like I’m the healthiest sick person in America, maybe even the world. By that I mean I still live a healthy lifestyle despite being in poor health, and all things considered, my physical appearance actually looks fairly healthy. As my doctor recently noted, “There’s always a downside to looking healthy when you feel miserable.”
In the last six years I have gone from being one of the healthiest humans on the planet to being one of the sickest. But even if I am the healthiest sick person, that’s hardly something to celebrate. The truth is, nobody wants ownership of anything with the word sick in it. Well, except maybe a sick new car or sick pair of sunglasses. Anyway. The last thing I want to be is the healthiest sick person, or any type of sick person for that matter, but I suppose it’s better than being the sickest sick person.

2015

Sometimes I feel like I have either had the worst possible luck in the last few years, or I live in some alternative reality, an existence stuck in a weird world where healthy people get sick and unhealthy people flourish. It’s a scary thing when everything you know as true, everything ingrained in your mind by science textbooks and fitness literature — eat healthy and exercise then you’ll live better and longer — is suddenly disproved and you feel like the focus of some cruel experiment.

2009

At times I have to remind myself exactly how healthy I used to be. I have, after all, been at the pinnacle of physical performance. I have lifted three times my body weight. I have hiked mountains and pedaled miles. I have sprinted yards and jogged roads. I have flipped tractor tires and pulled weighted sleds. I have eaten bland food and actually enjoyed it. I have whittled down my body fat percentage to single digits. Yes, I have done all this, but I have done so much more. I have been in peak physical condition and felt like a slow death. I have lifted hundreds of pounds with a faltering body. I have taken steps that were almost sure to be my last. I have sat in doctor’s offices full of fellow sufferers hunched over chairs. I have walked around those doctor’s offices — those cathedrals of health — to see boxes of donuts and large bottles of soda on every counter. I have sat in exam rooms while a borderline-obese doctor looked over my seemingly healthy body with skepticism. I have laid in a hospital bed while an undeniably obese nurse hyperventilated over my motionless, yet seemingly healthy body. And finally, I have laid in my own bed sipping some sinister “health tonic,” nearly catatonic and so incredibly sick, while people who could talk on-damand, people not bedridden, vertical people, ate French fries and bacon cheeseburgers in the other room.

2012

This cruel regression of mine, this awful phenomena, is by far my least favorite paradox. Yet everyday I stick to what I know, what I have come to do as habitually as eating — live healthy. I still down a glass of fresh vegetable juice every morning, I still swallow a bevy of supplements throughout the day, and I still drink kombucha and at least half a gallon of water everyday. But every now and then I wonder: what’s the point? Why do I try to live healthy when I remain sick? Why do I try to do anything? Why do I brush my teeth twice a day? Why do I bathe? Why do I shave my face and cut my hair? Why, on earth, do I get dressed each day? After pausing, I always conclude one simple explanation: because I enjoy it.

 

*Happy Holidays to all the lovely people out there. Thanks for supporting me by following this blog and sharing your comments. It means so much to me.

18 thoughts on “The National Academy of Fictitious Accomplishments

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  1. I never know if I’m even allowed to say I’m sick. It’s like I’m in pain a lot of the time, and I get exhausted but I’m still working hard, and accomplishing things. It’s a tough spot…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awesome, Jamison! You beat me in the fact that you get dressed every day! Aside from the few times I’ve left the house, I’ve only gotten “dressed” (to go to doctor’s appointments) a handful of times since June. Now I’m having more issues, possibly leaning towards some kind of orthostatic intolerance. At least I get to take my sexy Holter monitor off in 2 hours!
    Merry Christmas, and I hope you’re making better strides soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Congratulations on all your accomplishments, Jamison! I have rastled with similar thoughts. It seems so paradoxical and at times quite unfair that so many people can abuse their bodies and have pretty high energy and function well (by ME/CFS standards for sure!), yet those of us w/ ME/CFS can try and do almost everything right and barely nudge the needle towards improved health. Oh well! I keep it (supplements, healthy diet) up anyway b/c I value my body, as dysfunctional as it can be, and I look towards when my care for it now means the best possible future when a better treatment is discovered.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I so get where you’re coming from with this! I’m a ‘happy’ ‘sick’ person and those two don’t normally go together either! Have a good Christmas Jamison, keep up the washing, brushing and shaving … If it makes you feel good – fab! xx

    Liked by 1 person

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