A Post for the Misanthropes


I hate people. Okay, maybe not all people and maybe not all the time, but I can definitely be a miserable and bitter misanthrope. There are many symptoms of misanthropy — self-isolation, standoffishness, truculence— and sometimes it seems like I have all of them. But, to be honest, that kind of suits me because sometimes there is no better way to cope with the horrors of my circumstances, and humanity’s shortcomings, than to just write everyone off.

Don’t get me wrong, I also love people and the way they touch my life — they have the unique ability to lift me from the depths of despair, but in this moment — as I write this post — I absolutely hate people.

Through the months of struggle, even as my poor health has improved, I have developed a sourness in my heart (probably the worst of my symptoms of misanthropy), of which I’m not accustomed to feeling. It has, when compounded with the ennuí I’ve been living with since I first got sick in 2010, pulled me further away from the person I want to be and closer to the worst version of myself.

Symptoms of Misanthropy

Of the many symptoms of misanthropy there’s no doubt in my mind that my anger and bitterness toward people is a mechanism justified only in my mind’s account of my suffering. In other words, I’ve been through some awful shit and I can’t control my temper because of it.

I used to be a nice person, I swear. And while I’ve always had misanthropic tendencies, the difference now, I believe, is not that humanity, and the world around me, has changed but rather that I’ve become a less tolerant person. I’m the one who has changed, as have my circumstances. With the trauma I’ve endured in the last decade has come an inability to put up with even the slightest inkling of bullshit.

I don’t have a filter, as my mom says. I’m impulsive. Not Donald Trump impulsive, but I used to have more restraint and patience when dealing with frustration and unenjoyable people.

For me the hardest part of this is feeling helpless in not being able to be the tolerant, poised person I have always been.

Nevertheless I can’t help but feel hostile toward some people, usually those with a lack of decency, even if they think otherwise. In my current situation I have no sympathy for these people, especially when they are able to freely walk and talk — things I cannot do.

In a stew of loneliness I recently started talking to a stranger on Tinder. After a few cordial messages in which I asked all the questions and she asked none, we started talking about her work. She told me it involved a lot of multitasking. I told her I’m horrible at multitasking. She then asked me: “So walking and breathing at the same time is an issue for you?” 

Pretty condescending, right?

This woman obviously knew very little about me. If she had taken the time to ask me a few questions she might have known that I’m bedridden and subsequently used her best judgement (assuming she has any) not to make an insensitive joke.

I kept my reply simple: “Yes, actually, walking and breathing is an issue for me because I haven’t been able to walk for the last two years.” And I may or may not have thrown in a middle finger emoji. Okay, you’re right, I didn’t flip her off with an emoji because, well, that’s just sophomoric. So maybe I’m not as mean as I think I am.

This is probably a good time, however, to admit that I am a profoundly unhappy person. And the fact that I didn’t flood my Tinder match with a barage of four-letter words is uncharacteristic of my behavior as of late. There is, truthfully speaking, very little joy in my life these days, besides writing and corresponding with the few people I enjoy talking to regularly. But even they are witness to my unhappiness.

My lovely godmother, who is probably the most nurturing person I know other than my mother, recently sent me a picture of a rainbow she saw while walking around on a rainy day. My initial reaction was to reply by sending a thumbs down emoji and a frowning face. I almost sent them, seriously, but then I realized two things: (1.) There was no emoji that accurately represented my unhappiness and discontent in that moment and (2.) I would probably ruin her good mood if I sent anything of the sort.

Looking back on this, as well as countless other recent moments when I’ve nearly lost it, I keep thinking: “Who the hell am I?

Who sends (or even thinks about sending) a thumbs down emoji when his godmother, a kind and thoughtful person, sends him a photo of a beautiful rainbow? I might as well have sent her a middle finger emoji.

For most of my life I’ve been very passive and unassuming, which worked for me to a certain extent. But I had always admired people who showed remarkable pragmatism and faced conflict with no remorse. They spoke their mind and didn’t take flack from anyone. They would not be intimidated and were always up for a fight.

As my personality has shifted more toward these traits, I must say, it’s not all I thought it was cut out to be. As initially gratifying as it is in a hostile situation to say the exact thing you want to say at the exact moment you want to say it, the feeling soon becomes heartbreaking. Nora and Delia Ephron wrote a similar line for the movie You’ve Got Mail and it really stuck with me (obviously since I haven’t seen the movie in years). Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) writes to Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) and asks if she has ever felt like the worst version of herself. I feel like this all the time, or at least lately I do. But I also feel (and know) that I can’t help it and that it’s largely out of my control.

Who can be a polite and happy person while being stuck in bed for two years? Who can be a generally pleasant person when they haven’t gone outside, let alone left a room in just as long? Who, in the name of Vātsyāyana, can be nice to anyone when they haven’t had sex in four years? I’m convinced every unhappy person ever has dealt with his or her own version of these circumstances.

When I find myself in a particularly intense angst, my mood definitely gets the best of me. Lately I have not hesitated to write people out of my life because I feel it is justified. I also feel it is harsh. But I just can’t handle my symptoms of misanthropy, my discontent about my circumstances. It may be a projection of me trying to demonstrate some control over an often unbearable situation — my chaotic life and poor health — of which I have very little control.

Recently I told three friends (also former romantic interests of mine) that I didn’t want to talk to them anymore. One of them told me, probably passive aggressively, that she was sorry her friendship wasn’t good enough for me. Damn right it wasn’t good enough for me!

Friendship, or any relationship for that matter, involves putting in effort, that of which exceeds sending a two-word text message every other week. I may have been a little harsh in writing her off, most people, my pre-illness self included, would have simply let the friendship run its course, eventually watching it fall away to wherever stale relationships go to die. But this sort of relationship is just too ubiquitous for me right now. I have seen countless people I once talked to daily or weekly regress to a listless “Like” on Facebook or Twitter, if even that.

So here I am, fighting with myself over my crass behavior, but also knowing that it’s okay to have symptoms of misanthropy. I haven’t done anything terrible and given the circumstances I could be a much worse person. The stress of dealing with inadequate health insurance, financial problems, and an ailing body in need of constant care, is immense and enough to turn my soul rotten. But for the most part my soul remains ripe. I am still the same playful and compassionate guy I have always been. So for the people whom I have written off, now is not the time to reconcile, but I hope there will come a day when we can look back and laugh, only to enjoy our rekindled relationship. We are, after all, imperfect and deserve to give each other some slack.


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58 thoughts on “A Post for the Misanthropes”

  1. I sometimes really hate the walkers, too. And the petty problems – all recited to me in a bid for sympathy while NOT asking about or listening to my REAL problems.

    Sorry it’s got you extra-down right now, and I hope you get over some of it, not because you’re wrong, but because too much of it can poison what’s left of your life.

    Your job right now is to survive until SOMEONE or various SOMEONES figure out what the heck is wrong with us, and give us our lives back, as happened to many of the people with AIDS.

    That’s your ONLY job. It WILL happen – this is real, and we’ve been VERY badly served by ‘research’ in the past. I want to be as ready as I can be to take advantage of it, and hope it will benefit ME when it comes.

  2. Hi Jamison, I’m not near as disabled as you and still get so discouraged that I don’t have a normal life. I can’t imagine how it is for you and all those confined to a bed or room. Hang in there and don’t let ’em get you down. I really enjoy your blog and so glad you started it.

  3. Too often society expects people who are suffering to be examples of strength, courage, and inspiration. That’s too much to ask. Sometimes life is just one pit after another. You’re telling it like it is. Thanks.

    1. It makes me so mad when people expect you to be strong and smiling ALL the time! No healthy person can keep that up so how can they expect a sick person to?
      I think it is more for their benefit than ours. If we’re pretending everything is hunkydory then they can too and so they don’t have to get emotionally involved or have to accept what has happened to us!
      If only we had that luxury eh?

  4. I have felt like that. I’ve felt sorry for myself at times when I’m left out of activities I really would love to join. I’m much healthier now, but still am limited. I empathize because I’ve been there but was not as young as you are. I can only say to not beat yourself up about it. Have a temper tantrum, , write it out, beat up some pillows as much as you can. Whatever you’re able to do to get rid of these feelings and keep on the path of healing. Btw, anytime you want to yell, write a nasty note, let it all out to someone, send
    me an email. I can take it
    : ) Good luck buddy.

  5. My very Catholic aunt told me that when she had her first baby (abnormal labor and delivery), a nun, the kind that wore black and white and always had their hands in prayer, was trying to coach her through this awful pain. ” It’s like blowing out candles!” My aunt said, ” You GD bitch, get the Fuck out of here,” I thought it was highly appropriate given that the nun, as good as she was, would never experience what my aunt was going through.

    How can anyone know? I guess if you are nearing the end of the seven virtues: prudence, justice, temperance, and courage (or fortitude) faith, hope, and charity, then you might be like the screaming man in the picture. HOWEVER, first you would have to have enough air to scream.PLEASE HANG ON as best as you can.

  6. Welcome to the club; I’m surprised it’s taken this long before the beast appeared. I think all of us who are disabled in some form experience these feelings at least once a week. Particularly when our only contact is with able-bodied persons who have absolutely no frame of reference for what we’ve experienced — fueled by our inability to change our situation — as much as we’d like. Add to that a total blowhard orange idiot at the top of the food chain it makes us feel even more helpless and angry. Particularly when their callous actions affect us more than the “average” citizen — and they don’t give a shit — their actions don’t affect them. (Don’t get me started on pre-existing conditions..) And we’ve earned the right to be angry, very angry. We did everything right, and still ended up in our various conditions, having to rely on people who will never quite understand what it’s like to be desperate to take care of all our needs by ourselves. Well, at least the basic, day-to-day needs. Hang in there, Jamison. Blow off steam when you need to. It’s better than imploding. If you ever need to reach out, I’m here, hating 90% of the people I’m forced to interact with, or should I say rely on.

  7. It’s impossible for well people to understand the grinding day after day after day after day nature of the illness. But that doesn’t mean we can’t all regularly feel pissed off (sorry, pissed, for you guys in the 🇺🇸) at them for not understanding or trying to understand. It would be really weird if we all felt horrendous but were bright eyed, bushy tailed and smiling inanely from our beds/couches all the time! I guess the problem with feeling angry/bitter is the toll it takes on our already frail bodies – I didn’t used to have the energy to get mad so would push this feeling down and carried it around as a hard bitter core which also wasn’t helpful. But that’s just typical of the illness – damned if you do, damned if you don’t……

  8. I love your honesty.
    A lovely Counsellor once said to me ” Whatever you are feeling is real and true for you. It’s the fighting or denying of it that makes you really f**Ked up”, maybe not those exact words, but that was the sense of it.

    1. A counsellor once said to me “Guilt is a wasted emotion unless you are doing something you shouldn’t be or are not doing something you should. You are sick, you are always going to be sick, it’s not your fault you are sick. So why waste what precious energy you have feeling guilty for the things you can’t do anything about?”
      That has always stuck with me, though I have to remind myself of it on a bad day!

  9. Thank you for sharing this honest post. I recently had to ask my mother to stop calling me with the upbeat voice and I told my siblings to not ask me “if everything is ok” when my voice is monotone. No everything is not ok. Everyday it’s not ok. But I’m doing the best I can today I think with what the I’m dealing with aka I’m still here homies. I really want to say “you are lucky I’m even giving you some of my energy by speaking to you or texting you, and fuck you and your lighthearted texts”. But I have to have a balance of compassion, since they are doing the best they can with what THEY know, just as I am… but who is telling me I can’t be sad/depressed/hopeless/ wanting to not speak to/text anyone sometimes? Who is the person telling me i can’t be angry as fuck as I grieve what once was and the limitations of my new days? MY own damn self, well and society who, yes, expects me to “be strong” and “hang in there ” and “try to be positive”. Insert middle finger emoji. Then when my friends call me to say they aren’t feeling well and it sucks and they understand what I’m going Thru…. ahhhhhhhhhh. Again inserted right here. Thank u for this open space, for sharing real words and for giving me a laugh too. Middle finger emojis all up in this.

    1. I no longer have a relationship with my eldest brother. He’s the judgemental type. He once said to me “I don’t want to be around you because you’re so miserable, all you talk about is your illness”. It was the year I got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia so of course my focus was a little skewed! He shouldn’t have asked how I was if he didn’t want the truth!! But I no longer have the patience to put up with his bullshit or his bullying. He thought, as my older brother, he could tell me how to live my life but I couldn’t do the same to him!! I think we learn that only very special people get to remain in our lives because we have such limited energy that we don’t want to waste it on vampires (you know the type who want you to listen to all their woes but you don’t see for dust when you need to return the favour)!

    2. Haha. I get the same comments. “Are you okay?” Um do I look okay? My favorite is when someone texts me while th some trival problem like their cat scratched them. Haha I’m like I would glad take cat problems for some good health. Thank you for the encouragement. You’re awesome!

  10. I have definitely had times of anger and being PO’d at everyone. Basically like PMS…but longer haha. And I’ve had times of trying to control things that I’ve recognized, b/c I felt totally out of control of my health, life, or future otherwise. It’s normal…or normal for people in such situations. When I was more acutely ill (mostly bedbound, housebound) about 1 1/2-2 years, twice, more so I’d have times of this. Now I’m chronically ill (home a lot but able to go out..which I am so thankful for but feel guilty saying) still, but past the more acute phase of ME/CFS. I catch myself getting frustrated, angry, and low-level resentful of those that abuse their bodies to no end and who can live active lives regardless. Here I am taking a handful (literally) of vitamins daily, eating healthy, being as active as I am able, drinking a ton of water even though POTS leaves me still feeling dehydrated…esp during Central Valley summers! I/we try and try to be healthy and they just abuse and abuse themselves and have no appreciation of how good they have it and how thankful they should be to their faithful vessel, and apologetic for the abuse they are inflicting upon it. I remember when I was about my sickest and it seemed so distant to be able to go out and just go shopping with my mom at the mall like old times. But I dreamed of just being able to go on a brief shopping trip to Old Navy (at the end of the Visalia Mall, near the door and parking lot), and make it through checkout without falling over or freaking the cashier out b/c of how sick/exhausted/pale I looked and was. Anyway, I eventually was able to do that. What seemed near impossible became possible. And now I find myself always wanting more normalcy and higher functioning like normal healthy people have, yet feeling gratitude and thankfulness for not being how sick I was, or near comatose like some. And feeling obligated to he thankful too. There’s a small amount of guilt in always wanting more health and not being completely content, when some would give anything to be as physically capable as I am now. Heck, I can shower ALMOST as often as normal people do and still have a few other accomplishments IN THE SAME DAY. When other people aren’t sick, I think it’s hard for them to grasp that chronic illness is a whole new world. Ups and downs; thankfulness and joy come from the little things. For me, after I was able to eat more and got more appetite back, food brings enjoyment and some happiness. My last Vitacost order was pretty big. Like $300 in vitamins, soap, and mostly gluten & dairy free food. There went my payments for participating in the CDC and Columbia studies, and more! Haha. And that was with 20% off! Pets bring joy and comfort too for me…somehow my cats just understand. Especially one named Baby. He just knows. He’s special. And my dogs are happy no matter what. Cats require less energy though. You’re normal, Jamison! If the friends are meant to be in your life and true blue friends (or more), they’re return. I actually already was someone who spoke my mind from childhood…so, that has just continued. Worrying about people’s perceptions or feeling like a weird sick person are sometimes a thing, but that’s improved. I care less. I once asked a renter neighbor (she rented from our close family friends who used to live next door…actually her and her husband did until she chose and bf and drugs and partying over him) to please return our hair dryer and vacuum. I asked nicely, maybe twice? I waited. That didn’t work. It had been a few weeks. So, at like 7 or 8 y.o. I called and left a fire-y voicemail. It was on the porch in the morning lol. She had issues. We were good Samaritans otherwise in rescuing a dog she abandoned (she left him w/ just pool water to subsist on basically for a week or 2) and some of her life memorabilia that got thrown when she ditched the place/got evicted. But I sure care less now about what people think, or I try. You have to when your mom takes you to college at 23+ and at one point when you have to go off Florinef for a POTS test to help prove your case…you nearly pass out in night class and have to announce that you need something to put your feet up on. I think some buff EMT in the class got me a desk quickly…he didn’t act too thrown off but instead leaped into action). I only dedicate energy to real friendships. Well, I’m a helpful person who people tend to lean on and I tried to care for everyone and do too much w/ school and tutoring work…which is largely why I had a total relapse in 2014. So, I learned the hard way! I also find myself seeking escapism through YouTube or reading internet news too much. The result is, I’m pretty happy and in a good mood, but a terrible procrastinator and don’t always accomplish what I should be doing or am capable of doing. But it’s also how I occupy my time when I’m not physically up to doing things. So, that’s my experience. Maybe you can relate. The rough part is, we often lash out at the ones who help care for us and whom we rely upon. But they understand usually. I apologize whenever I do treat them unfairly…my parents mostly. And my mom has said how amazed she is at how positive of an attitude I maintain, despite my circumstances. So, you might be surprised at other’s perceptions. I’m disciplined to stay positive often, but sometimes it all goes out the window for a bit.

    1. Hey Iane. That’s really interesting. I try not to get angry at people who abuse their body because in a way I used to do it as well (excessive exercise) and if I had the energy I would still. But I do get jealous of them.

      You’re in the Central Valley? I’m in the foothills. What city are you in?

      1. Hey Jamison, I’m from Dinuba (how bout you?) but most of my life I went to school in Reedley. We’ve had family friends and I had a friend from jr college who lived in Squaw Valley. There are some interesting people up there! And some really nice people. I lived in Clovis and Fresno for like 3 semesters while I was finishing some classes at Fresno City College and then a full time student at Fresno State, until a total relapse in 2014. It started the end of 2013, but I just kept going b/c I’m an overachiever like that haha. And I was in a bit of disbelief and denial until it became obvious. The relapse/re-onset felt like a train wreck that couldn’t be stopped.

        Maybe the more correct term would be frustrated at those people who abuse their bodies. Perhaps I do wish my body could take more abuse…but I wouldn’t be smoking. More like working too much, travelling and maybe not sleeping enough, having too much fun. I wouldn’t so much enjoy exercise in the context of a gym (I tried in the couple years before my relapse, never being educated properly on ME/CFS) unless it was Zumba or something like that probably. Running is enjoyable though, as I recall from my healthy years (I was in jog-a-thons and various kids running events but never great at distance…perhaps b/c of my pre-disposition to CFS or from not really training lol). More so running in nature and taking in the landscape! Woodward Park in Fresno is fun I recall from a March of Dimes run and a bike ride there in the hilly part. Although I used to challenge myself to run 100 laps inside my house as a kid. Lol. My parents let me be a little free spirit. I now regret some fashion choices my dad allowed. Ha. Anyhoo, almost anything we partake in to an extreme is abusive to the body, that’s true (as I need to finish writing a paper currently towards my certificate in alcohol and drug studies). I guess I more think of the smoking and eating really unhealthy when seeing others. But, perspective is everything. They don’t have my perspective and I don’t have theirs. I’m grateful I have mine though about health…even though I’m sick. I value health more I believe. I have always been into eating fruits a vegetables and being as healthy as I can be since childhood (self care otherwise I’ve had to learn and continue to). My dad’s dad was into Amway Double X vitamins and real fat vs margarine in like the 50’s and 60’s, long before it was the “in thing” or such common knowledge. So, I was raised pretty health/healthy food conscious.

  11. Frustration, anger, resentment all hidden bonuses of the me/cfs experience, most people just don’t understand ( and many don’t try to) how small and arduous life can become. I was almost 24 when my health got really bad I’m 38 now, my friends, the few of them that stuck around have lived entire life’s between those numbers, they’ve married, had kids, established careers while I’m still here in my parents house trying to survive and battle my illnesses and the worlds distorted perception of them. It that didn’t sometimes fill me with maddening rage then I wouldn’t be human, none of us would be because underlying the dark emotions is the desire still to love, to heal to change my stars….

    Also remember a lot of dating type apps are filled with people who aren’t looking for any type of real connection, a lot of the matches I get like to send naked photos of a part of their anatomy I might not necessary want to see five seconds after saying hello….

    1. Hi Chrissie. I’ve had similar thoughts. People have done unfathomable things while I’ve been in bed — traveled the world while I’ve yet to leave a room. Crazy to think about.

      Gosh. Sorry about those awful guys. You should send them a photo of some animal feces or something.

  12. I can so relate. I used to be an optimist until Fibromyalgia robbed me of my life and gave me back a barely functioning one. The upside for me is I no longer had the energy to put up with my husband’s bullshit and so we’re now divorced and I am making the most of my life again!!

  13. I’ve been there, and I’d say I know how you feel, but I can’t, because I was in my 50s when ME floored me.
    I’m single, former friends and family are distant or gone.
    I’ve stopped trying to explain my situation to to folks who’s response is “Duh!”
    Physically healthy people have low success rates in maintaining sanity. It’s almost inevitable that chronically sick people find themselves at the precipice.

    This may help. I’ve posted an older podcast, because it’s more secular than some of the recent ones. http://media.sbinstitute.com/courses/fall2011/
    There are meditations without dharma talks here https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/meditations-8-week-retreat-2016/id1112928848?mt=2

    My apologies for short reply, I’m very foggy.

  14. I relate to this so much. Lately I’ve had a lot of hate towards myself for the angry, bitter and jealous person I seem to have become. But often in the middle of a crying fit, I become a little more reasonable with myself — who wouldn’t be angry when they don’t know if their future will be with a spouse or in their parents basement?

    I hate being jealous of everyone for everything, and have even thought about getting off social media for a while…but that means less contact with people than I already have, which just sends me into an awful spiral. I’m not well enough yet to do talk therapy, even though I super need it — so for now I try to be nice to myself, because even with all the bitter green jealousy, I’ve been told I’m dealing with this alright.

    And you know what? I think you probably are too. Sending hugs and good vibes your way (or commiseration, if that’s what you need!)

    1. Hi. Yes! Commiseration is great. It helps to write but also to know people like yourself know a similar experience. So thank you for sharing your thoughts! I get jealous of people too, I really do but when I’m consumed by the envy I remind myself that other people have crappy lives too. And mine could be worse.

    2. My future turned out to include a spouse And living my parents basement. Life does not turn out like you planned. (“While You Were Sleeping” shout out while we’re on 90’s movies.) But take care of yourself the best you can and try not to feel like the future will be all bad because you really can’t know. That said, I think it’s unrealistic of the world to except sick people to push through everything with a chipper spirit when your brain and body are in total rebellion against you.

  15. Yes I hear you, the voice in my head bitching away at how people can be walking around even though they trash their bodies and here we are stuck in this shitty chronic illness. They have no idea how good they have it and how bad it can get. I think part of the slow recovery process is to be able to allow yourself to feel this way and find small ways to soothe our selves and keep hanging in there. THanks for writing so much that we can all relate too.

    1. Hi Lisa. Thank you! It really is my pleasure to write these posts. And if you didn’t read them and comment I surely wouldn’t enjoy them as much. So thanks for that and the encouragement in being at peace with my feelings.

  16. I think being stuck inside without sunshine and fresh air would make anyone’s mood pretty sour given enough time. It’s just not natural.

  17. You have good and valid reasons to be pissed off at the world! I feel that way about half of every month, and I am the one who should be grateful. I can’t believe Hell is supposed to be this place we go to after living when I hear and see suffering like this. I hope there is a much needed bright side in your future and the perspective pays off. That’s really all suffering, pain and struggles are good for. Thanks for the honesty; your words are important! ~Anne

  18. Thank you for your negativity 🙏 Haha! Look none of us ME/cfs people went into this illness knowing we would need to develop Bhudda-like levels of tolerance for the daily pain, practical struggle and loneliness. I remember feeling jealous of you when I first read your blog!! That you had your mum looking after you. At the time I desperately wanted and frankly needed looking after. Now I am being semi-looked after, (by estranged family that I have dumped myself on!) I find myself feeling jealous of them and their loud, annoyingly energetic ways. It’s only natural and it comes and goes. It’s good to have someone you can openly bitch with when you feel like this, someone who gets it.

    1. Hi Jess. Haha that’s funny. I don’t think anyone has ever told me they’ve been jealous of my situation before. But I get it, not everyone has a good support system like mine. So in that way I’m lucky. But if I hadn’t had the support and care, I would not be typing this message. And that scares the hell out of me. I won’t think about that though, I’ll just think about the good stuff.

  19. Can identify, though luckily for me my misanthropic days are in the past, for now at least. After twenty years with ME, I am lucky enough to have made enough progress to now be busy, and to not have a lot of time to think: that is one of the toxic elements of illness, you don’t have the energy to be active, or to do things that will distract you, so all you are left with are your thoughts, and that is not healthy. So misanthropy is an inevitable consequence.

    At my worst, I loved the world but hated my life, and was jealous of all of those people who were progressing and moving on and doing stuff, so jealous that I really didn’t want to see people if I could help it. It is a toxic situation to be in, but difficult to avoid. Not sure I can offer any great words of wisdom other than, hang on in there. Things can change. Five years ago I was convinced that my life had no real worth – and would never have. And that is very definitely not the case now.

    Being sad and embittered in a situation of chronic illness is a totally normal reaction, but it doesn’t mean that it is forever.

    1. Hi there. Thanks for sharing your experience and I’m glad you can identify. I can definitely relate to loving the world but hating my life. That’s a good way of putting it.

  20. Stephanie Stultz

    Don’t beat yourself up too much. I’m an old granny (AKA Wise Old Crone)…or is it Wise-Ass-Old Crone……and I consider myself a nice Christian woman. Yet, there are THOSE days….I’m so profoundly peeved (!!) after 15 years of having ME/CFS and all the heinous symptoms. I’m on the severe end of the spectrum. I just lose it and end up swearing like a sailor! Of course, I ask forgiveness and move on. What’s a gal to do? Anyway, I’m new to reading your blog, but I just watched Forgotten Plague again. I think this is the 4th time. On the rare occasion I can actually convince a friend or family member to take an interest and watch it, I try to watch it again. I always pick up something I hadn’t caught before. So, in the documentary it said that you were going to be in a clinical trial at Stanford for some kind of drug? I tried the search feature on your blog but didn’t see anything. Whatever became of that?

  21. Hey, great post. I just wanted to say that I’m nominating you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Congrats! The post should be up tomorrow. I’m linking to your blog. FYI. 🙂

  22. There are parts of this post that sound as though I could have written them – I feel exactly the same. So thanks for posting, it has helped me knowing others feel the same way. Had ME for about 20 years now, so here’s hoping things improve for both us soon.

  23. A well written personal account of oneself. But inside our mind, we are no different. Fact is that more we read about others, more we know ourselves.

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