Welcome to Facebook! Please Accept Our 137,000 Page Terms of Use Policy

Welcome to Facebook! Please Accept Our 137,000 Page Terms of Use Policy

This is a piece of satire I wrote and submitted to McSweeney’s. The editor rejected it. It didn’t seem like he even read it, but his loss is your gain, or maybe the piece really sucks and isn’t funny at all, in such case I’ll gladly give you a refund. Either way, thanks for reading!

Welcome to Facebook!

Our Terms of Use are for your online safety and protection only. They are definitely not intended to trick you into unknowingly giving us your personal data so we can sell it to a third party who may or may not then sell it to a menacing foreign government currently attempting to destroy our democracy.

Nope, The Terms aim to do none of that. But we do want you to stay connected to everyone. ALL. THE. TIME. Sorry, we didn’t mean to shout, but we can’t emphasize enough how important it is for all of us to Share and Like with each other. It’s how we keep the dopamine hits coming, if you know what we mean. And, if we’re being honest, it’s how we keep the lights on here at our humble 430,000 square-foot headquarters, which just so happens to feature the world’s largest open floor plan — you’re not the only one whose privacy we like to infringe upon. Besides we employees hate privacy, or at least that’s what we’re told to say in the employee handbook.

Lord Zuckerberg has given Facebook as a gift (not GIF, though maybe that too) to the world. Sure, he stole the idea from two ridiculously rich and even more ridiculously good looking twins when he was at Harvard, but The Zuck merely took the idea and made it his own. So what if he is now using Facebook to get all of you more addicted than a chain-smoker in the 60s?This is capitalism, baby!

Now, the point of you agreeing to our Terms of Use is not to trick you, by any means. The 137,000 pages of legalese below is not meant to be convoluted. You could read all 68 million words of The Terms, or have your attorney do it, but don’t waste your time. It’s just a formality, and besides, we update The Terms every three weeks, which coincidentally, happens to be exactly how long it would take you to read them. That means you would have to start over every three weeks, unless you are capable of staring at a screen nonstop for days on end like Lord Zuckerberg. Gosh, he sure is amazing. Such a great guy, isn’t he? He doesn’t tell us to say that. He definitely hasn’t been using his mind control to make us tell EVERYONE how awesome he is since he made himself look so evil in front of Congress. Oops. I meant he looked very genuine and compassionate in front of Congress. He didn’t look evil at all. Not one bit. And those pictures of him sitting on a booster seat? Those were photoshopped.

Ahem! Anyway. Just agree to The Terms, okay? For our sake? Please? We’re not exactly Zuckerberg’s slaves, but our lives are pretty miserable when he is unhappy. If enough users agree to The Terms, maybe Lord Zuckerberg will finally put the doors back on the bathroom stalls and stop broadcasting our personal phone calls over the company PA system. Oh, right, and if you agree to The Terms you can get back to connecting with EVERYONE. You can go back to sliding into the DMs of your crush from work and finally accept the Friend Request from your great-aunt Sally, whom you haven’t talked to in a decade, and honestly don’t want to, except, well, your mom won’t leave you alone about it. So just accept The Terms already. ACCEPT. ACCEPT. ACCEPT!

A few things before you go:

1. Thank you for reading this piece of satire.

2. I am fundraising to pay my medical bills so if you’d like to help out by buying a shirt or hoodie I would be very grateful!

3. If you would like to donate to support this blog I would be equally grateful!

My Domain

My Domain

For the most part, I have made an effort to keep politics off of this blog. I realize there are people who read my writing that voted for Trump, just as there are people who voted for Hillary Clinton. Hell, there’s probably even someone reading this who voted for pornstar, Mary Carey during California’s 2003 Gubernatorial recall election. I voted for none of those candidates. And while I may not have succeeded entirely at keeping this blog free of politics, I am an opinionated person, and I am human, so that’s okay with me. Now that the political landscape is shifting, I want to make a few things clear. The following is spurred mostly by interactions I’ve had on this blog as well as social media.

First, I want to make it clear that disrespect or hate of any kind will not be tolerated by me, even if the person does not deem it to be so. In other words, I will not hesitate to block, delete, or use any method available to combat trolls.

This blog is quite literally my domain, as is my Facebook profile and Twitter account, and all the other social media stuff. It’s silly to take it all so seriously. It is, after all, just a bunch of words on a screen made to look presentable by some otherworldly language that all comes together by thousands of miles of fiber optic cables underground. Okay, yeah, maybe it’s more serious than I thought.

But anyway, I feel this needs to be said in order to set some people straight. In the past, I have had people tell me what I should and should not write about, and more recently, I had someone tell me, during a heated Facebook argument, that I “lack comprehensive reading skills.” The first person was marked as spam, because anyone who tells me what not to write is just that — spam. And the second person, although he was once someone I called a friend, I blocked and deleted on Facebook. It is a bummer that it came to that, but here’s the truth for you: It doesn’t matter how close our relationship is, if you insult me — question my intelligence — I will absolutely cut you off. I have a debilitating disease that makes it incredibly hard to string together coherent sentences (let alone read the garbage this guy was saying). He has no idea. This post — these words I’m writing — is a damn miracle. I couldn’t do this a year ago. And by the way, I’ve had essays published in major publications like Men’s Journal and Quartz, so despite my disability, I think my reading comprehension is just fine. But for him to insult me in such a way is, as far as I’m concerned, on the same level as Donald Trump making fun of a handicapped reporter, which whether you believe he did or did not do on purpose is irrelevant — insulting someone is insulting someone regardless of how you justify it.

For the guy who recently insulted me, I had not heard from him in years — not when I first got sick, not when I was near death — not even a text or email. Yet he did not hesitate to lash out at me on a post which featured an exact quote from Donald Trump — one that was insulting, degrading, and disgustingly lewd. So that person is gone, thankfully. But my greater point is, and I recommend other people who value peace of mind consider it, anyone who does not bring something positive to my life, including my life online, is best dismissed. I cherish different views, and I encourage people to express their opinions with me, but they better be respectful is all I’m saying. 

Let me leave this post with an image. Think of online interactions as visiting someone at his or her home. If I comment on your post, I’m stopping for a cup of tea; if you say something on my post, you are coming over for dinner. Now, I can’t remember a time when I was a guest at someone’s house and I suddenly and belligerently started shouting insults. Well, there were a few drunken times during college, but hey, that was college. Anyway. Let’s keep it classy — stay respectful and all will be well (I hope).

*On a lighter note, we’ve sold 85 “Show M.E. the Money” shirts, which means roughly $400 will be donated to the Blue Ribbon Foundation, with an equal amount used to pay my medical bills. Yay! Now, there’s only TWO DAYS left to buy them and I REALLY want to get to 100. Let’s make it happen!