The Other Dr. Seuss Thinks Trump is Quite the Grump 


I’m Ken.

The oldest of the Seuss men. 

I never lived up to my brother

Or so said my mother.  

. Okay, I won’t stall. 

A warm greeting to all. 

Boy how I wish we were meeting last fall.  

It has fallen on me with a giant thump to evaluate mean Mr. Trump.

He continues to wage despite his old age. 

I won’t stop till he’s locked up in a cage. 

Now, I’m not an M.D. 

So I won’t charge my fee. 

This, my earnest of work, comes straight from my conscience. 

I just hope with Trump I can remain conscious. 

By now we’ve heard from shrinks with links to Harvard and Yale. 

Now it’s my turn to speak to this old angry male.

His skin is orange, it surely is. 

I must find what’s wrong in that head of his. 

I hope there’s a rational mind under that awful toupee. 

But we can’t be sure as he’s hell-bent on a global melee. 

I must say, I do not agree with Trump’s childish way. 

This small-handed man is far from sane, 

I’m not sure he even has a brain. 

Trump is quite the grump. 

His rants — without pants — are usually on Twitter

Where his spelling is worse than the smell of dirty cat litter. 

His tweets more unsightly than soiled sheets

His verbiage more rancid than uncured meats. 

Given all that, I must meet this spoiled brat. 

When I arrive I can’t imagine we’ll jive. 

He is more frantic than a bee hive. 

I will stay neutral in my evaluation

Despite his obvious preoccupation. 

Keeping his attention won’t be easy. 

I just wish he wasn’t so sleazy. 

Mr. Trump is dangerous with his lies. 

Yet he flies the skies denying his unwise Russian ties. 

He is a paranoid man. 

Just look at his silly Muslim ban.

Oh and let us not forget his appointees: 

Sessions surely can’t teach us any lessons 

And that Tillerson guy

Well, he’s probably a secret Russian spy. 

Not to be short, soon I promise a full report 

I will include notes about his mood swings. 

You know, like the worst medieval kings. 

Now before I depart

I have one final dart. 

Let me lament about the president. 

Democracy’s foe — he absolutely must go. 

He can’t keep acting like a king. 

He must be gone by next spring.

If we let the digging be done

Then it will be as if he never won. 

Thanks for reading my attempt at humor. Please subscribe for more posts. 

13 Movie Sequels Produced by Donald Trump and Stephen Bannon 

The Academy Awards are this weekend and I recently discovered that Stephen Bannon, Donald Trump’s Chief Strategist, was a failed movie producer. I doubt he ever had dreams of winning an Oscar, but you never know. He produced a couple awful films, including one with Sean Penn, and even tried to make a rap musical (I guess he’s always wanted to be Lin-Manuel Miranda) before he found his true calling making propagandized documentaries for uber-conservatives.

So in honor of The Oscars this weekend (which ironically, I can’t watch), I have been thinking of movies that Bannon would produce, either as sequels or remakes of original films. And of course, Donald Trump would also produce them because he too is a Hollywood producer and the two are obviously in cahoots.

I should also mention: this is a list I originally submitted to McSweeney’s humor section, but they didn’t go for it. So it’s their loss.

But please, I don’t want you to think you’re getting rejected and discarded content here. Well, actually, that is exactly what you’re getting, but it’s really good rejected and discarded content, I promise!

13 Movie Sequels Produced by Donald Trump and Stephen Bannon

1. A Clockwork Orange Tan

2. Small Hand Luke

3. Liar Liar Liar

4. From Russia With Hooker Piss

5. The Bigly Lebowski

6. Weekend at Bernie Sanders’ Socialist Surf Shack

7. Scent of a Nasty Woman

8. Pride and Lots of Prejudice

9. Look Who’s Coming to Dinner at The White House

10. Trumpy Old Men

11. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Toupee

12. Thelma and Louise: Nasty Women

13. Rebel Without a Cause: Sad!

*Please subscribe for more posts. And check out my latest essay published by Bustle.